Divorce is often a turbulent time for couples, and indeed, the wider family unit. If your spouse wants a divorce or if you are the one who has decided to call it a day on your marriage, how will your children be impacted? We look at six ways in which your children could be affected in the long and short-term.
It’s important to remember that children of different ages are at different stages of emotional development. Older children and teenagers could become angry and may place the blame on one or both of their parents. Young children can regress and school aged children may think they are responsible for their parents splitting up.
- Rebellious behaviour
Academic research has shown that some children who have been through a divorce can display antisocial and delinquent behaviours, as well as other emotions such as depression and anxiety. This can depend on how the parents navigate their divorce. If there is a high level of conflict or unresolved conflict, then children involved can rebel by becoming destructive, for example, taking up smoking, experimenting with drinking alcohol or participating in petty crimes.
- Guilty feelings
Some children may feel overwhelmed and confused about what is happening to their family dynamic. As a result, they may try to form their own narrative of what led to the divorce, often placing the blame on themselves. They may rationalise by thinking ‘If only I had done or said something, this wouldn’t have happened’. These feelings of guilt, if not challenged, can lead to stress or other mental health problems for young people. It’s a good idea to get in touch with a specialist counsellor who can support your child in the way they need and to help alleviate any feelings of guilt towards your divorce.
- Anger outbursts
Becoming angry and enraged can be some children’s first response to a divorce or separation. This anger can be directed to different people, for example, siblings, parents, friends and other people in their lives. Anger may manifest as outburst, tantrums, passive aggressive behaviours such as resentfulness, sarcasm, criticism of others. Although self-expression and anger are healthy in the sense of releasing your emotions, if it continues or becomes difficult to manage it is important to seek support from a mental health practitioner.
- Anxiety and depression
Insecurity about their parent’s relationship and what the future holds can cause anxiety in children. Signs of anxiety could be that your child is unusually emotional or upset, being clingy, experiencing sleep problems such as nightmares or difficulties going to sleep. Their appetite could be affected too, by either overeating or not eating enough. Some younger children may have separation anxiety if there is a way for one of their parents following divorce.
- Poor performance at school and higher education
It’s not uncommon for children whose parents are divorcing, to have problems academically. Interestingly, and according to a research article from scientific journal, PNAS, the children who are more affected by divorce, are those from a more advantaged socioeconomic background. In less advantaged families, the impact on educational outcomes was typically less significant.
- Impact on their long-term relationships
Going through your parents’ divorce as a child can also impact your long-term approach to and perspective on your own adult romantic relationships. As your primary models, your parents gave you the blueprint on marriage. This can lead to automatic distrust of relationships, and in actual fact, divorce rates are higher amongst spouses who had experienced divorce as a child.
How you can support your children through and after divorce
There are numerous ways you can navigate your divorce to help your children now and in the future. Speak to them in an age-appropriate manner about what is happening to help validate their feelings and help them put to rest any misunderstandings they have about what is happening. Try to co-parent as amicably as you can, and avoid involving your children in any disagreements. Finally, remain consistent in everything you do, from disciplining your children to being an always open door for them to come to.
